SHAH ALAM, Nov 8 — Still living under the same roof, eating at the same table, and perhaps even sharing the same bed, yet the reality is that some couples may no longer truly share their lives.
Although everything may appear fine on the surface, these can be early signs of a marriage falling apart, as spouses gradually lose their emotional connection and become increasingly absorbed in their own worlds.
Marriage consultant Mohd Izary Muhammed Ikhbal said marital breakdowns rarely happen overnight, but often begin with small issues that are left unresolved over time.
“One of the earliest signs is when couples begin to stop making an effort to understand each other. In the past, whenever there was a problem, we wanted to resolve it. Now, we no longer care.
“In the past, we argued because we still cared. Eventually, we choose to remain silent because we feel, ‘There is no point talking about it anyway,” he told Media Selangor.
The situation becomes more difficult when spouses begin viewing each other as opponents rather than partners working as a team. Their questions shift from ‘How can we solve this problem together?’ to ‘You are the one causing it’.
Such a relationship is a sign of an unhealthy marriage.
Rarely does one major issue alone bring a marriage to this stage. Instead, it often starts with minor problems that are repeatedly left unresolved. The same situations recur, eventually building frustration and quietly giving rise to resentment.
“One issue may seem small, but when it happens repeatedly and is never properly resolved, it creates resentment.
“Sometimes, the real problem is not what couples are arguing about today, but all the issues they have never resolved in the past,” Izary said.
Poor communication, financial difficulties, intimacy issues, matters involving children, family interference, trust issues, and emotional neglect are among the factors that can weaken a marriage.
Communication
Most couples do not necessarily lack discussions, but struggle with communicating effectively, particularly when they resort to attacking their partners. There is a significant difference between expressing how someone's behaviour makes them feel and attacking the person themselves.
“Instead of saying, ‘When you do this, I feel hurt’, they choose to say, ‘You are selfish’. One party is addressing the behaviour, while the other is attacking the person's identity.
“When we attack our partner's identity, they become defensive. Eventually, the conversation is no longer about resolving the problem, but determining who is right and who is wrong.
“The situation becomes worse when couples listen only to respond rather than to understand,” he said, drawing upon his experiences as a divorce coach, which include handling cases involving well-known celebrities.
On financial matters, Izary added that the issue goes beyond money, as it also involves trust, responsibility, security, and power within a relationship.
Arguments over debt may appear to be purely financial disputes, but closer examination can reveal deeper concerns, such as why financial decisions were made without consulting a spouse.
Keeping financial matters secret is another unhealthy practice in marriage, as it can leave one partner feeling burdened with too many responsibilities or that their contributions are unappreciated.
“Hiding debts, income, expenses, or financial commitments can cause trust to gradually erode. That is why couples need financial transparency.
“However, transparency does not mean both parties have to manage their money in the same way,” he said.
To maintain a healthy marriage, interference from either the husband's or wife's family should be avoided and managed maturely to prevent tensions that could eventually lead to divorce.
An important principle is that neither spouse should be forced to choose between their partner and family. Instead, both parties should agree on boundaries from the outset.
Izary noted that not everything needs to be openly discussed with family members, as in most situations, certain matters should remain between husband and wife.
“If it involves the husband's family, ideally, the husband should communicate with his family. The same applies to the wife and her family.
“Healthy boundaries are more easily accepted when they come from love and clarity, rather than anger and disappointment,” he said.
Career commitments are also frequently cited as a reason for growing distance between spouses. Many fail to realise that the real problem is not necessarily being busy, but when one partner begins to feel that they are no longer a priority.
“If someone can spend 10 hours a day building their career but cannot spare 30 minutes a day to genuinely connect with their partner, eventually, their partner will feel neglected,” Izary said.
Marriage requires both parties to invest time, attention and commitment. Neglecting these three essential elements reflects a tendency to take marriage for granted.
Many couples only begin taking their marriage seriously when their relationship reaches a critical stage, when relationship management skills should have been developed much earlier, even before getting married.
“We do not wait for a car to break down before servicing it. Relationships are the same; we should learn relationship skills before our marriage turns into a crisis,” he said.
In managing marital conflicts, Izary also advised couples against rushing to find someone to blame. Instead, both parties should reflect on themselves and identify areas that need improvement to ensure their love continues to grow and bring happiness throughout their lives.
