SHAH ALAM, Nov 8 — Marriage is not a race over who gets married first or last, whether at a young age or later in life.
Instead, readiness to enter into marriage should be measured by one's maturity in shouldering the duties and responsibilities of a husband or wife.
Marriage counsellor Aiman Azlan said individuals should not be overly concerned about whether they had reached the 'right age' to marry, but rather assess their readiness to manage their lives and responsibilities.
“Maturity is reflected in one's ability to carry out responsibilities with integrity. For example, when given a task, a person should be able to complete it properly.
“At work, they are responsible for their duties, while within a family, they understand their responsibility to care for their spouse and children,” said Aiman, who has more than 10 years of experience in counseling.
Yet maturity is not determined by age alone.
Some individuals may be in their teens but are disciplined, capable of managing themselves and responsible, while others who are older may still not be ready to shoulder such responsibilities.
It is important to remember that marriage should not be viewed as a way to resolve short-term problems, such as family pressure or the feeling of being left behind when close friends get married.
The union of two individuals is a long-term commitment that should not be influenced by pressure from others or the desire to follow current trends, also known as the fear of missing out (FOMO).
He added that treating marriage as a short-term solution could lead to greater complications, as it is one of the longest commitments a person will undertake in life.
“Many people get married because they see their friends getting married, and then feel that they themselves are still unmarried. That is also a form of trend known as FOMO.
“Trends do not necessarily refer to what we see on social media. They can also happen within our own circle of friends or surroundings when we see everyone else starting a family,” Aiman said.
Loneliness is not a reason to marry
The desire to overcome loneliness is often cited as a reason for some people to get married. While loneliness is a real and painful feeling, marriage is not necessarily the ultimate solution.
For some individuals, loneliness stems from a lack of meaningful connections, leading to dissatisfaction with living alone. More concerningly, some people continue to experience loneliness even after years of marriage and having children.
On communication, which forms the foundation of any relationship, he emphasised that it is like oxygen in a marriage, cautioning that a relationship without proper communication could eventually die.
Communication goes beyond simply talking. It involves listening attentively, understanding one another, building relationships, and fostering emotional connections.
To prevent ego from taking over, couples must also create room for discussion and compromise, as differences in opinion are inevitable in married life. A failure to communicate can affect not only the relationship between spouses but also their children.
“I have had children contact me and share their experiences of their parents not sleeping in the same bedroom. Their parents may not be divorced, but the children still see and feel what is happening.
“The effects can stay with children into adulthood. Some of my clients have told me they are afraid of getting married because they witnessed their parents going through difficult marital experiences,” said Aiman, who also conducts online counselling sessions.
Every adult should learn how to manage conflicts, even before getting married, as disagreements are unavoidable in everyday life, whether with family members, friends, lecturers, or colleagues.
“Even before marriage, we actually have many opportunities to learn how to manage conflicts. It is a life skill for adulthood, not something that is exclusive to marriage,” he said.
To assess an individual's readiness for marriage, Aiman often uses three main approaches: leadership, financial management, and communication, collectively known as the 3K principles.
He explained that leadership referred to an individual's ability to manage their own life.
“If your own life is already chaotic, with no schedule, discipline, or proper organisation, that is something that needs attention. Before managing someone else's life, we must first learn to manage ourselves,” Aiman said.
Financial management is another aspect that both men and women should consider, as marriage involves sharing responsibilities in managing household expenses and daily living.
Couples should also have basic financial literacy, including knowing their expenses, managing debts and understanding their financial capabilities.
“This does not mean that you have to be rich before getting married. But you need to have financial discipline and know what you can afford and what you should avoid,” he said.
